


Wilting Flower

by SturgeonGuy29



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: First Time, Humor, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Parody, Satire, bottom!sid, safe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24812920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SturgeonGuy29/pseuds/SturgeonGuy29
Summary: Then one day an amazing thing happened. Sidney went to practice and there was a new player there.
Relationships: Sidney Crosby/Evgeni Malkin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 41





	Wilting Flower

**Author's Note:**

> Don't Fuck Birds.
> 
> ***This is a work of satire! Please mind the tags.

Sidney Crosby was thirty-two years old and had never had sex. It wasn’t that he was uninterested—the concept of sex was intriguing—it’s just that it had never happened. At this point, he didn’t know if it ever would. Sidney was shy, and had been for a very long time. Nobody wanted him. 

He played for the Pittsburgh Penguins and was very good at hockey. In fact, Sidney was _so_ good at hockey that people sometimes attacked him for it. He was bullied every time he stepped on the ice, and that is the way that it had been since he was born. Among other things, like his average looks and his more-than-average butt, Sidney suspected that the fact that he was a star athlete (and therefore a millionaire) was the reason that no one had ever spared him even a passing glance. Even D*n Ch*rry had said it one time, live on the CBC: “That Crosby kid is completely unfuckable.” 

And so Sidney sat alone eating plain spaghetti in his cavernous, yet bland house.

Then one day an amazing thing happened. Sidney went to practice and there was a new player there. This was surprising as Sidney had Absolutely No Control In Player Acquisition Whatsoever and the management had neglected to even suggest that they were thinking of trading someone. After all, Sidney was only the captain and face of the franchise and number one obsessive know-it-all in the league—no one listened to his opinions. (For a moment, he wondered _who_ had been traded, but it didn’t matter because Sidney only knew, like, five players' names. Flower. Tanger. Duper. Horny. And, uhhhh, that other guy.)

The new player was enormous. He had no other features—he was just BIG. Dark hair, maybe. Pale. He was Russian and spoke no English words at all. His name was Evgeni Malkin, but no one could pronounce five syllables in a row, so the team decided to call him Geno. 

Geno was also very good at hockey, it turned out, but not as good as Sidney. Watching him take faceoffs and playfully shove Horny away from the goal made Sidney feel—odd. Tingly. His jock felt tight for literally the first time ever. What _was_ that? Sidney blushed and couldn’t calm down for the rest of practice. His eyes kept straying over to Geno. 

What was happening? Usually Sidney was so focused on hockey. He was singularly obsessed, yet whenever Geno came near, he kept fumbling the puck. Was Sidney gay? Was that why he’d never had sex? He was gay this whole time and never noticed it?

Sidney skated loops around the edge of the rink and thought about it. 

When he had finished thinking about it, the coach blew the whistle and practice was over. All of the players returned to the locker room to shower. 

Because he was a good captain, and infallibly polite as a Canadian, Sidney went up to Geno. “Hi,” he said, “I’m Sidney, but you can call me Sid.” 

“Sid,” Geno repeated, and then said, “I’m Zhenya.”

Sidney couldn’t possibly pronounce that. He opened his mouth to say he’d just call him Geno instead, but then Geno hooked his thumbs in his shorts and pulled everything down to his ankles at once. Sidney’s jaw dropped and his face turned red again. He had never seen someone with such a large, sparkly penis.[1] “H-hey, b-buddy,” Sid giggled like a goose, stuttering as he spoke. “W-watch where you swing that th-thing.”

Geno, of course, spoke no English, so stepped out of his clothes and turned towards the showers without another word, completely naked. Sidney quickly averted his eyes. It was totally inappropriate to look at a naked person, even if you were a hockey player and surrounded by them almost 24/7 and could probably identify half the guys in the league by flaccid length and girth. Sidney stared at the ceiling instead, cheeks burning. 

“Ha ha, look at Sid’s face!” Laughed one of the other players who isn’t worth naming. 

Sidney blushed some more, and sat in his stall. 

None of it mattered. Even if on the rare chance that Geno was interested in him, Sidney was a virgin and had no redeeming qualities. (Unless, of course, Geno was interested in an ass the size of a planet. One could only hope.)

Later, Sidney was talking with Flower and Tanger in the lounge. Flower was setting up an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine to prank whoever walked through the door next by dumping a cold glass of milk on their head. Tanger was looking at himself in a mirror because he was beautiful. They were Sidney’s best friends, but he was jealous of them for their personalities and the fact that both of them had sex on the regular. 

“What do you think of Geno?” Tanger asked, not taking his gaze away from his reflection. 

“He’s nice,” Sidney said. “I think he’ll be good on the team.” He didn’t mention how he’d been thinking about how Geno was big and strong and could probably blast through all of Sidney’s insecurities with a single thrust of his hips. 

Flower stepped back from his pranking masterpiece, satisfied. The glass of milk balanced precariously in the doorframe, but did not spille. “Did you know that Geno is thirty-three? That’s one year older than you, chum.”

Sidney felt as if the cold glass of milk had been dumped on _him_. A year older? A whole twelve months, maybe more? Geno was so much more mature than Sidney, then. He’d reached adulthood first. When Geno turned eighteen, Sidney was still seventeen—a child. He couldn’t possibly contemplate a relationship with Geno now. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Geno could take advantage of Sidney’s age and lack of experience. And besides, Sidney hadn’t even had sex yet. 

“Oh, that’s interesting,” Sidney replied a moment too late. He was a little bit dizzy from all the confusing thoughts he was having. “Hey, I think I’m going to go lie down for a bit.” 

Tanger and Flower exchanged a look as Sidney walked towards the trainer’s room. 

On the way there, he bumped into Duper who, like Flower, was still on the team for some fucking reason.[2] “Whoa, Sid, are you okay?” He asked. 

“I’m fine,” said Sidney. “Just not feeling great.” He was sure he was a mess--face shining red from sweating and blushing, and his hair a tangled rat’s nest from dragging his hands through it in distress. He and Duper looked at each other for a moment. Sidney was the first to break. “Duper, can I ask you something?”

Duper’s caterpillar eyebrows raised in surprise. “Of course—anything.”

Sidney shuffled in place. “Do you think it’s true what they say? That no one will, you know…” He trailed off. 

“No one will what?”

Sidney bit his lip. “That no one will have sex with me.”

“Oh, Sid,” Duper smiled with his old man wisdom that he had earned through the mystical power of writing. “Your day will come.” 

“Really?” Sid asked. “You’re sure?”

“Absolutely.” Then Duper looked up and down the hallway before laying a hand on Sidney’s shoulder and leaning in. “Have you ever heard of a Magical Healing Dick?” 

Sidney’s eyes widened, blushing at the word “dick,” and shook his head. 

Duper shrugged, “Well, I suppose you wouldn’t have. But did you notice today that our new player Geno has a somewhat... _shiny_ penis?"[3]

Sidney had very much noticed. He lied and said, “Sort of.”

“There are some men out there who have the power to cure depression and insecurity with their penises. And incidentally they cure virginity, too. I’m sure some day a man with a penis like Geno’s[4] will come along and fix all your problems.” Duper, who was so full of knowledge and a little shred of kindness for Sidney, then slapped Sidney once more on the shoulder, and walked away whistling.

Little did Duper know that Sidney had already found a Magical Healing Dick that he wanted. It was too bad that there was so much holding Sidney and Geno at arms’ length from each other: age, language, Sidney’s internationally acclaimed lack of sexual appeal. 

Sidney sighed and went into the trainer’s room to nap. He thought that he would have a hard time falling asleep, but he quickly fell into dreamland. He had some confusing dreams involving Geno, but since they were weird and full of sex stuff Sidney didn’t have the maturity to even begin to understand. And since dreams, like fiction, have a direct influence on reality, we’ll just move on from this part. 

There was a knock on the door, which woke Sidney from his slumber. Sidney blinked the sleep from his eyes and saw to his shock that it was Geno standing there in the open doorway. 

Geno came into the room as Sidney sat up. Then Geno wordlessly placed a perfect fat triangle of New York cheesecake on the table next to him. Sidney looked at the dessert and blushed furiously. “This is my favourite,” he said dumbly. 

“I’m know,” Geno grunted, towering eight feet over Sidney’s head. His stoic, paleolithic demeanour was charming. Geno was the strong and silent type and was as deep as a pond. Sidney was infatuated. “You sad, so I get,” Geno pointed at the cheesecake.

Sidney felt tears forming in his eyes. Geno was so thoughtful. No one had ever been _this_ kind to him (except for Mario Lemieux, who was like his dad, only nicer, but he didn’t have the same feelings for Mario as he did for Geno, because Mario was, again, basically his dad[5]). His heart stirred in his chest, rapidly beating like the wings of a young bird.[6] He was happier than he’d ever been, and in love for the first time. 

“You not want?” Asked Geno when Sidney spent too long thinking and not enough time filling his pie hole with cake.[7]

“No,” Sidney said, picking up his fork and digging off a sizable chunk from the cheesecake. He stuck it in his mouth and savoured the creamy sweetness. As he ate and Geno watched him do it, Sidney mulled over Duper’s words of advice a short while ago. He peered up at Geno curiously. Could Geno’s Magical Healing Dick really be what Sidney needed? 

When the cheesecake was tucked away, Sidney had finally built up the courage to say what was on his mind. 

“Geno,” he said, “I think I’m in love with you. Ever since I first saw you, I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s not just your big, tall body, or your sparkling[8] penis, or your stunning personality. It’s also that you care about me. Nobody else cares about me. I’ve always felt like I was alone, you know? Alone in this whole wild world, and nobody there to support me or even give a hoot about my feelings. But I think I was waiting this whole time for you. I needed you, Geno, _and_ your dick—” he blushed again, “—and I hope that you feel the same. I hope you love me, and want to be with me, and maybe even have sex with me. What do you think? Would you be okay with that? Would you love me back? I know I don’t have much to offer because I’m inexperienced, and kind of plain, but I do have an ass like a Pixar mom, and I’ll always let you take the lead in our relationship. _You_ can wear the pants, Geno. I love you so much. Please, _please_ say you love me, too.”

There was a long silence. 

Then Geno said, “Sid, yes. Я люблю тебя.” 

Sidney didn’t know what that meant, but he hoped Google Translate would tell him later. Overcome with happiness, he climbed all the way up Geno’s Jack-and-the-Beanstalk body and kissed him on the mouth.

A lot of things happened after that. 

They went to Sidney’s house to have sex, because it would have been inappropriate to do it at work. Geno spent a long time teaching Sidney to kiss with tongue, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom. They turned the lights off, and Geno took tender loving care of Sidney’s regular human asshole, sticking his fingers in with plenty of lube and patience. It took so long that Sidney became desperate for Geno to just have sex with him already, and he begged politely for Geno to penetrate him. After putting on a condom and applying more lubricant, Geno pushed his penis gently inside Sidney, stopping every millimeter or so to ask if Sidney was okay. Eventually he was all the way inside. The way Sidney felt was indescribable, so don’t ask. After exactly fifteen minutes of slow, cautious rocking, Sidney achieved his first climax and Geno was not far behind.

Then they kissed once more, and Sidney knew he never had to be sad again. 

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> 1The penis was completely normal, made of human flesh and blood, a regular colour, straight as a rod, and while bigger than Sid’s, totally regular. The sparkles are metaphorical.[back]
> 
> 2 It’s my fic and any players I want can be in it. Olli is there, and Daley and Hags too, fuck it. Flower and Muzz both play all games together. Two goalies in net. Jarry is there also. No one ever scores on the Pens. We are all happy about it.[back]
> 
> 3 The sparkles are metaphorical. Never participate in sexual intercourse involving sparkles or glitter as they can cause tears and infection, and anyway you’ll never get those fuckers out of there. Stay safe.[back]
> 
> 4 A normal penis.[back]
> 
> 5 Sid would never have sexual or romantic inclinations towards any person older than him, or in a position of authority, including but not limited to Mario Lemieux, Mike Sullivan, or Steve Yzerman. He is a submissive and a bottom, but not a nasty dirty pervert.[back]
> 
> 6 This is a simile. There is nothing sexual or romantic about birds. Gross.[back]
> 
> 7 NO SEXUAL EUPHEMISMS HERE.[back]
> 
> 8 Normal.[back]


End file.
